Slymenstra Hymen's Finishing School for Ladies
by Ula of the Pain-Proof Rubber Girls

Life has seemed rather dull lately. Everyday activities seem even more banal than usual. Lying on machetes doesn't seem as exciting as it used to. Even trapeze work barely wakes me up. No - nothing is as colorful as it used to be. Last week was unlike any other week I've ever had, and it will take a while before anything else will compare to it. What happened? Well, GWAR asked me to be the understudy for Slymenstra Hymen. I jumped at the chance to take a crash course at "Slymenstra's Finishing School for Girls" where I learned - among other things - that Slymenstra has the best job in the world.

Job Description: Playing with Fire, dishing out attitude; maiming and killing an imitation Mike Tyson; monster killing; Dinosaur training; sword fighting and giant-3-foot-long-tampon swinging.

Job Requirements: Respect of/Caution with fire; ability to improvise safe fight scenes; awareness of others on stage and their safety; ability to move and dance even in 100 lb costume and heels. Memory for long, complex set list and stage scenes.

What is GWAR??!!

They've been around for over 13 years; but because cool things that can't be utilized for commercial purposes have a tendency to be suppressed in this country, I forgive you if you have to ask.

By their own definition:
"At least one hundred billion years ago, the master of all reality took a shit and thus the Universe was born. But that was not enough. He had to wipe, and what better way than to wipe with war, so he created the Scum Dogs of the Universe, an ultra elite group of warriors especially culled from the lowest dregs of FILTH. Chaotic and disease ridden beings who would come to be known as GWAR."

(You can find more information about GWAR at GWAR.net.)

My personal definition is a little less graphic---GWAR is an amazing metal band. It's an amazing theatrical performance. Influenced by comics, kabuki, horror movies and sci-fi. Their source material is the general stupidity that lies in all human beings. The phenomena of GWAR is made of 4 parts - the band, the slaves, Slymenstra, and the fans.

The band is comprised of 2 roaring guitars, a big bassist, thunderous drums, and an evil, brilliantly deranged and forever horny frontman named Oderus - all dressed in g-strings, platform shoes and masks.

The slaves are mainly rebel defectors from Virginia Community Art School. Creative wizards, and masters of latex, they are also excellent graphic designers and comic-book artists by their own right; the slaves are the dream realizers -- they fill various crucial roles as mechanics, inventors, set designers, costume designers, stage managers, and central processing units, as well as being the actors, the Gor-Gor driver and the blood, spew and bile pump operators.

Slymenstra adds the much needed feminine touch: but I don't mean the sweet, motherly, quiet feminine aspect --I'm talking about the other -- chaotic, raging-berzerker feminine aspect. The GWAR girl is the super/uber bitch---queen of attitude and menstrual powered craziness. Slymenstra can be as loud, stinking, violent and disgusting as the rest of the GWAR crew, yet sexy and loving too. Despite all her clashes with Oderus, she always returns in the end to help him fight Techno Destructo and Gor-Gor. She is the ultimate fire goddess. (She was also Virginia State Clogging Champion a few years back).

Last but in vast numbers are The GWAR fans --- demented but devoted submissives: unfazed by any vulgarity, willing to be soaked in fake blood, plowed under by sound waves, and fed to the giant world maggot. They will do anything to support the GWAR tradition.

Note: For all the GWAR fans that need to know my credentials for being Slymie's understudy - first I will say "FUCK YOU. I'VE GOT NOTHING TO PROVE". I am adding to that only because I have recently become an admirer of the GWAR lifestyle--okay, I'll just admit to it - I'm a huge fan now-- and I know it is the tradition of a GWAR fan to announce either before or immediately after being introduced, what year they first started listening to GWAR, how long they have known the people in GWAR, how many shows they have seen, and what they have done for GWAR...

The Pain Proof Rubber Girls first encountered GWAR when Sarka met Slymenstra at the CMJ conference back in 1995. Although I have performed with Slymenstra a number of times around the country, in total, I have only seen about six GWAR shows. In December 1995, Danyelle asked the Pain Proof Rubber Girls to be her contortion slave pets and maggot fodder in a GWAR show at the Limelight. Shortly thereafter, the Pain Proof Rubber Girls were asked to put a sideshow together for a few Lollapalooza dates around New York. We called up Slymenstra again, and the Girly Freak Show was born. Yes - we are partially to blame for luring Slymenstra into running away with the circus. But as the this tour was so rightfully named - "The Bitch is Back!"

It was due to the high Slymenstra content of this tour, that Oderus was worried the story-line would be too greatly affected by her absence in Cleveland. The whole plot of the show is set by Slymenstra coming back. Angry that Oderus didn't call her for the last 2 years of tours, she cuts off his huge, ever-present, overly obvious penis. Understandably not wanting to do the amputation himself, Oderus and Slymenstra asked me to do it.

Note about the penis amputation: How do you look a guy in the eye when you are being trained to chop off his dick? Although I was proud he trusted me to do it, the whole time I traveled with GWAR to Cleveland I couldn't l bring myself to speak a word to Dave/Oderus.

The Plan

I would have one day in Buffalo with Danyelle/Slymenstra. The day started with her packing madly to go to LA for her other gig. I was therefore sent on an impossible scavenger hunt.

My mission: Buy skewers to make fire fingers. (Not adept at fire chain twirling - Sly decided it would be an easy and sexy substitute for me). Danyelle went to the first guy standing outside with a GWAR sweatshirt she saw and asked if he would be a runner. I was pawned off on Noel - a GWAR fan, to go to "any dollar store will have them" buy skewers, leather gloves and needles. (Noel has been a GWAR fan since 1992, has seen 40 shows, takes pictures of all the GWAR props, and makes action figures of all the GWAR characters.) We went to 6 different stores before we finally found all the stuff.

When I returned, Danyelle began to sew the fire fingers together and showed me how I would finish constructing them - it would probably take a few hours, so I would finish the job later. Class was continued outside with my first formal lesson in spitting. A half hour and 2 bottles of water later, we went inside to try the real deal with fuel and fire.

Water soaked towels were close by, just in case I were to set myself or anything else on fire.......but my first experience spitting fire went successfully - I survived; I didn't swallow any fuel, and I managed to get 3 fireballs out of one mouthful of slop. I was also taught a few of her trademark club spins with her 50 pound giant fire torches. We tried out different combinations of fuel for fire fingers, to see which ones would show up on stage, but not set fire to my skin when stroked against it. This was a slow and "painstaking" process.

The costume had already been tried on me and it had been decided that with a little duct tape everything would fit perfectly. She explained the ins and outs of all her shoulder armor and cuffs and kneepads and boots, warning me that everything should be laid out way before the show in groups so the costume changes would go smoothly.

GWAR usually arrives in town about noon. You might think it's because they have a lot of props to set up, and stage preparations and sound check. All the previously mentioned is true, but the biggest reason for getting to the venue that early is to AIR OUT THE COSTUMES. Think of the smell of latex. Now think of the smell of latex that has been drenched in fake blood and left overnight in a trunk. Now think of the smell of latex that has been drenched in sweat and fake blood, and left all night in a trunk every night for a month! For this reason I heeded her words, and made sure the were laid out well in advance.

After "playing" with fire, we went upstairs to the dressing room where she taught me some of her kicks and barrel turns that she does during her numbers - all of which seemed easy enough. However, I started to have my doubts when she demonstrated the three different types of buttshakes she does.

The fire dance, they had informed me before I came out, was to be done to "Horror of Yig", on the "Scumdogs of the Universe album". Much to my chagrin, I must admit, I was forced to buy a copy of Scumdogs to listen to before I left.

To the reader: you should know that I have visited Tower Records for many a year. I have always brought my purchases --a very eclectic selection of all kinds of rock and metal--up to the register to be checked out by the same stone-faced black dude many a time, and have never gotten any reaction.... But this time I did get a reaction - (smiling), "This is the BEST album ever - I have it on VINYL!! I'll never forget that show!!!! I came home out of my mind and covered in spew and blood!!" ---he continued with the official GWAR fan salute of "I've been a fan since...... and I've seen X live shows".........Who would've thought?

From "moves" Sly and I went on to makeup since by then it was about time for her to start getting ready for that evening's show anyway. I thought the makeup would be fast because in the past she had always just drawn a line across her eyes, a couple side wrinkles and black lipstick. Lucky for me, she had changed her style of makeup this tour, making it much more detailed, as well as adding glitter in places. It took about 3 tries just to get the lips high and pointy enough to form the traditional Slymenstra snarls.

When she went back stage to change and do the show, I followed and took notes on her every action. Some samples: "after Troll beats up Oderus, take hit. Pull Mace off Troll's arm. Chop arm off. Tempt Gor Gor onto stage with bloody arm and feed to Gor Gor.......".

When the Buffalo show was over we drank a few beers in celebration, and I finished making my fire fingers for the next day.

Cleveland Ohio -- The Agora November 13, 2002

The stage at the Agora is big. The theater seats around 3000 people.

Backstage at the Agora was made of 2 pretty large rooms. Each room had a couch and a refrigerator full of various fluids. The walls were made of brick - with a band's name or logo scrawled on each rectangle. Slave Bob wasted no time drawing the Gwar logo in a few places. I recognized Bantam and Lunachicks from NY - I scribbled Pain Proof Rubber Girls over the couch near the New York section. I was the first to start getting ready. The grease paint Danyelle uses to do her face was going to be a challenge for me, and I wanted to have enough time to redo it if I had to. Sitting on the couch, talking to Dave was a beautiful girl with long blonde hair. She was wearing a cropped leather jacket with braided trim on the shoulders and tight black pants, spike heels. Very rock and roll. I was surprised when Dave introduced Jessica to me and excused himself instead of hanging out on the couch with her. When he walked out she turned to me---- I was setting Danyelle's costumes up.

"So you're replacing Slymenstra?" she said.

"No one can replace Slymenstra - I'm just her understudy for a day so she can do another show in LA."

(ignoring my response) "I always hoped I would be the new GWAR girl. Danyelle was training me to do it, but I fucked up."

"Oh."

"But I want you to know that I completely support you. You should stick with me - I made Danyelle her costume. I could make something for you too. Anything you could imagine, I could make. And I want to help you however I can."

" Uh - thanks."

"Do you do fire too?" she asked.

"Nope - I've done all kinds of circus acts for the last 10 years, but I knew too many fire eaters to pursue fire. That's probably why Danyelle trusted me enough to teach me her tricks. I just had my first real lesson yesterday."

That turned out to be the wrong response. Jessica got started:

"I know how to do fire. I don't know why they didn't want me to do it. If you need help - just ask me. You just need to have a lot of attitude. Do a lot of kicks and a lot of butt-shakes. I've known these guys for years and seen all their shows - just ask me anything. I'm behind you 100 percent."

"Yeah. Okay."

Psyched that I already had a strange girl out to get me before I had even set foot on stage as the fraudulent Slymenstra , but also a little annoyed at this point, it was a relief when Jizmak came in and pulled me away on an errand:

"Dave (Oderus) told me he left you in here with Jessica, so I thought I would rescue you. Don't worry. Someone is going to get her out of the dressing room before the show."

Her absence lasted about 15 minutes before coming back to give me some helpful advice on how do do my makeup. She was eventually pulled away again to be given another drink and a security guard chaperone.

The Show:

A couple hours before my big moment I had been given fighting instructions from Slaves Matt and Bob. We went over the Tyson slaughter, Troll fight, Gor-Gor tampon beating and Bone Monster slaying. All the creatures had special detachable parts and specific points where I had to aim my stabs. The lesson was about 15 minutes long. I took notes and hoped for the best. Oderus let me practice removing his penis once, 2 minutes before the show started.

Anxiety swept over me. My first entrance was the fourth song - "Apes of Wrath". After the slave was sodomized by Tyson, I had to run out and take care of business. This was also the first time I would speak - ragging on Oderus for not calling and promising to steal his manhood before the end of the night. Would people know immediately that I was a dupe? Would they yell and throw bottles? Jessica glared at me from the side of backstage with her security guard date. It was just the ego boost I needed (animosity is the best show fuel) to give me the gall to face the crowd. Relief and triumph swept over me as I held the giant sword up in presentation to the audience and heard everyone cheering--going crazy waiting for a fake Slymenstra to carve up Tyson. Loud Metal blaring in the background to inspire me--I chopped of Tyson's gloves and pointed the bleeding stumps at audience members. More cheers. Every punch or kick I threw was accentuated by the soundman triggering samples of hits and crashing noises. Tyson's demise came too quickly -- I spoke my lines to Oderus and left the stage and screaming audience behind.

Two songs later - "Slutman City" was the big moment. I went out attempting to dance, when I discovered I could barely move in the rubber corset and 50 pound armor she wears on her shoulders. One pass of turns and a couple kicks left me breathless. I was handed a sword to do the evil deed - I slashed down at Oderus' dick. It's held on by a studded belt. With a bit of awkwardness the penis was off in my hand and shooting blood into the audience!

Three songs later and I was ready to go out again. I was supposed to remove Sly's corset before the fire number, but couldn't because without the support of the corset her bra would have fallen off. I picked up the unlit fire clubs and began to warm up (no pun intended), making sure I remembered the club spins Sly taught me. From the corner I heard screaming - "NO NO!! YouÆre doing it all WRONG!!!" Jessica was waving her arms wildly in the air. "Horror of Yig" started and Matt hurried me out. Jessica started to run after me, but was halted by her escort. With my adrenaline completely pumped by that time, I barely felt the fire as I rubbed it over my arms and legs. "Horror of Yig" ended before I expected - I did manage to get club twirling and the giant bonfire in, but the two fireballs were rushed and small. At least I was unburned after my first fire show.

The set went by like lightning after that---killing the Troll, beating Gor-Gor with the giant tampon I pulled out from behind my back with one leg on the monitor in front of screaming kids - killing the bone monster---before I knew it the encore was over and we were backstage again. Jessica passed me and coldly said "Good Show". I thanked her.

And now it's all over.

If only everyday life could be as eventful as just one song of a GWAR show. ......I'm back in NY. I do things like check my PO box, take my laundry to the discomat on Metropolitan, read the Science Times on Tuesday, and paint walls new colors--nothing seems to fill the void that's been left. No fans, no crazed, hostile, girls trying to tackle me (I dream of Jessica showing up in my laundromat; she tells me I'm doing my laundry all wrong, grabs it from my arms and shows me how to do it right), no monsters to kill. The only soundtrack of my actions comes from the walkman on my head. The streets are duller than ever now.

I would like to inform Slymenstra that if she ever decides to introduce a clone of herself into the story to further irritate Oderus -- I volunteer for the job -- we could fight Gor-Gor together with giant tampons and spike heel shoes - mud wrestling at the end of each night.

Call me........